


Four Seasons Total Landscaping

by Griselda_Gimpel



Category: Valdemar Series - Mercedes Lackey
Genre: Alternate Universe - Politics, Based on whatever nonsense Giuliani wants to do for a press conference each week I guess, Crack, Fantasy Island - Freeform, Four Seasons Total Landscaping, Humor, M/M, Ripped From the Headlines, Romance, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:55:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27558709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Griselda_Gimpel/pseuds/Griselda_Gimpel
Summary: Philadelphia AU: Firesong works at Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Silverfox works at Fantasy Island. Can they find love between a pandemic and a presidential election?
Relationships: Silverfox k'Leshya/Firesong k'Treva
Comments: 13
Kudos: 7
Collections: JoyFest 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cesy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cesy/gifts).



It proved to be a highly unusual day at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Philadelphia, but it was one that Firesong ended up thoroughly enjoying. It began – although Firesong did not realize it at the time – with a phone call that Darkwind took. Darkwind fielded most of the phone calls, as Firesong was prone to flirting with the customers. Besides, Firesong wasn’t a regular employee at the store.

Four Seasons Total Landscaping was owned by Darkwind’s headstrong father Starblade. Darkwind worked the counters. Firesong was a consultant that had been called in to help with particularly difficult jobs. When Darkwind laid mulch and sod, it was labor. When Firesong did it, it was art. (Well, okay, so Firesong didn’t lay the mulch and sod himself. But he had _vision_ of _how_ it should be laid, and that was what was important.)

That morning, the only other person in the store was Darkwind’s girlfriend. Her name was Elspeth, but Darkwind called her “Princess”. Firesong thought her relationship with Darkwind to be a bit of pity; Darkwind was rather cute, especially now that he’d started to grow his hair out. Still, Firesong might be a flirt, but he wouldn’t stick his nose where it didn’t belong. Plus, he and Elspeth were actually distant cousins, being descended from the same Quaker abolitionist. It was bad form to seduce your cousin’s boyfriend.

The only other beings in the store were the two pet birds: Darkwind’s gyrfalcon Vree and Firesong’s swan Aya. Elspeth’s horse was out back. Starblade was fine with birds in the shop, but horses were a bridge too far.

BRIIIING went the phone. Darkwind picked it up. Firesong was only half paying attention to the conversation. He was busy embroidering a new mask. If there was any silver lining to the pandemic, it was that wearing a face mask was suddenly socially acceptable. He only wished the masks fully concealed the scarring instead of only mostly doing so. Firesong hated the pitying looks he got when people glimpsed the burns on his face. (Everyone who’d been there said he’d been a hero and that the gas explosion would have killed people if he hadn’t moved to stop it. But strangers just saw him as the Less Fortunate.)

“Good morning. Four Seasons Total Landscaping,” Darkwind said as he picked up the phone.

“…”

“Excuse me?”

“…”

“No, Four Seasons _Total Landscaping_.”

“…”

“You don’t want the hotel?”

“…”

“Okay, you don’t want the hotel.”

“…”

“The parking lot?”

“…”

“Uh…sure?”

Darkwind hung up the phone. Elspeth, who’d been leaning on the counter, gave him a curious look. “What was that all about?”

“Prank call, I think. Supposedly, the Trump Campaign wants to set up a press conference in the parking lot.”

Elspeth cracked up laughing. “Please tell me you told them they could.”

“That I did,” Darkwind said, chuckling himself.

Firesong, only half attending, put away his mask in progress. “I’m going to go for a walk.”

“Well, if you see Rudy Giuliani, tell him hi,” Darkwind guffawed.

“What?” Firesong asked, bewildered.

“Oh, just go flirt with that cute clerk at Fantasy Island,” Elspeth teased.

Firesong grinned, a habit from the Before Times, which of course the other two couldn’t see due to the mask he wore over his face. “Perhaps I will,” he said lightly as he could. Inside he was anxious, however. He hadn’t been able to work up the nerve to ask anyone out since the Accident. But he did enjoy visiting Fantasy Island. 

The cute clerk’s name was Silverfox. Firesong knew that much about him from prior conversations. He was indigenous, too, but whereas Firesong and Darkwind were Iroquois (albeit from different tribes) Silverfox was from Brazil. He was the most beautiful man Firesong had ever met, with burnt umber colored skin and rich black hair that fell down to his ankles. He preferred a see-through mask that showed off his lush lips. Silverfox had explained that it helped hearing impaired costumers understand him better. And that was the other thing about him – he was the kindest, most considerate person Firesong had ever met. And he never made Firesong feel like Silverfox didn’t want him around. That was true even from the first time they’d met, which had been when they’d found themselves walking the same route on their respective lunch break walks. So it wasn’t just Silverfox putting on a fake smile to make a sale. 

Fantasy Island, where Silverfox worked, was right next door to Four Seasons Total Landscaping. It was a sex toy shop, and Silverfox had a deep expertise of knowledge of the merchandise for sale. Butterflies whirling in his stomach, Firesong walked inside. The bell on the door dinged his arrival. Behind him, outside of his scope of vision, the first van arrived in the parking lot, and the crew within began unpacking.

“Welcome to Fantasy Island, where we help you find your fantasy,” Silverfox said cheerfully when Firesong entered. “Hey, Firesong. How can I help you?”

“Just browsing,” Firesong said. “Got anything new?”

Silverfox nodded, came around from the corner, and gestured for Firesong to follow him through the aisles. Firesong would have liked to walk close to him, but he kept his distance. Silverfox was a volunteer in one of the Covid-19 vaccine trials and strongly suspected from his reaction that he was in the vaccine group, but Firesong preferred to err on the side of caution. It was the same reason that Silverfox still wore a mask – it wasn’t known yet how effective the vaccine would be.

“Look at these,” Silverfox said, pointing at the accessories that lined a shelf. “Masks with built in gags. And this-” here he pointed to the objects on the opposite shelf “-are our social distancing dildos.”

“Do Not Insert Fully,” Firesong read from the warning label on the tag of the one named “Need”. He examined the object critically. “Six feet long?”

“Seven, actually,” Silverfox said. “Got to account for grip and insertion, after all.”

“Of course.” Firesong picked one up and tested the balance of it. It was cleverly made. The base, where it was intended to be held, was denser than the end that was intended to be inserted, which prevented it from being awkward to handle. Nevertheless, the insertion end was firm and durable.

Silverfox showed Firesong a few more items while Firesong tried not to be too distracted by Silverfox’s gorgeous brown eyes. Everyone complimented Firesong’s silver eyes, but Firesong found Silverfox’s eyes to be difficult to look away from. Eventually, however, it was time for Firesong to make his purchase and leave. Social distancing dildo in hand, Firesong went to leave the shop.

And stopped.

There, in the parking lot, was a press conference in progress. Trump paraphernalia had been wallpapered to one of the walls of Four Seasons Total Landscaping. A podium had been set up, and film star Rudy Giuliani stood behind it. The press was gathered around, as were an assortment of Trump supporters, one who had no pants on.

“What’s wrong?” Silverfox asked curiously.

“The Trump Campaign is giving a press conference in the parking lot,” Firesong answered.

“Pardon me?”

“The Trump Campaign, here, just look.” Firesong moved aside so that Silverfox could see through the glass door.

“This is unexpected,” Silverfox said.

“I can’t go out there!”

Silverfox glanced down at his purchase. “Here, wait, I can get a bag for it.”

“It’s not that!” Firesong insisted. He was feeling agitated. Before – before the Accident, that was – he’d never felt agitated before. Now it was a feeling he felt often.

“What’s wrong?” Silverfox asked.

“It’s- never mind.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Silverfox said. “I know you’re a costumer, but I’d like to think that we know each other well enough that you can think of me as a friend. You can talk to me.”

“It’s my face,” Firesong said finally. “The scars. When people look at me—most of them don’t draw away in disgust, but they’ll flinch. Or they’re try to pretend they’re not there.”

“I heard you saved a lot of people getting those scars,” Silverfox said.

“That’s true,” Firesong confirmed. “And I don’t regret what happened. I wouldn’t do things differently if I could do it over again. But when people look at me, all they see is an Object of Pity.”

“I understand,” Silverfox said. He smiled warmly at Firesong, and Firesong’s stomach fluttered further.

“Thanks.”

“So you’ve got no problem walking into a presidential press conference carrying a seven-foot long dildo?” Silverfox said, making a joke to break up the tension.

It worked, and Firesong laughed. “None whatsoever,” he swore. “I’m quite accustomed to being the object of scandal.”

“Well, I don’t pity you,” Silverfox said, switching back to sincerity. “I admire you.”

“Thanks,” Firesong said. “I-” His eyes swept Silverfox up and down quickly. “I admire you, too,” he finished.

“You know,” Silverfox said, “it’s just about time for my lunch break. Which means I’m off the clock.” Walking over to the door, he switched the sign from OPEN to CLOSED. He glanced over his shoulder at Firesong. “But since you don’t want to leave, you’re welcome to stay.”

“I’d love to,” Firesong said breathlessly.

“In that case, we should chat more. Are you seeing anyone?”

Firesong shook his head.

“Perhaps we could be more than friends?” Silverfox asked.

“I would like that,” Firesong told him.

“Do you prefer slow or fast? In a relationship, I mean.”

“Fast.”

“Then there’s a bed in the back,” Silverfox said. “Why don’t I give you a demonstration of the product I just sold you. Free of charge, of course.” Shouldering his social distancing dildo, Firesong followed him, grinning.

Outside in the parking lot, Rudy Giuliani shouted, “All the networks! Wow.” Coincidentally, “Wow!” was also what Silverfox soon had Firesong shouting.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't planning to write more, but I guess Rudy Giuliani is my muse now.

A week passed. The pandemic raged. The results of Silverfox’s antibody test came back as positive, convincing him that he was vaccinated and that it was likely safe for Firesong to come over to his place. Donald Trump deluded himself on Twitter that he – rather than Joe Biden – was the victor in the presidential election. Grass was cut. Sod was laid. Next door, dildos were sold. Across the street, bodies were burned at the crematorium. And Firesong, well, Firesong was in love.

Darkwind and Elspeth were in a rage. They were also in love (with each other), but it wasn’t a new love for them, so there was room in their relationship for them to be in mutual hatred at the president for attempting to steal himself a second term. It was what they were talking about at the moment.

“The popular vote in each state – except Nebraska and Maine, plus the District of Columbia – determines which candidate gets the electoral college votes for that state,” Darkwind was ranting. “Biden has 306. It’s over. It should be over. Why is Trump doing this?”

“He’s terrible,” Elspeth answered, even though it was a rhetorical question. “He thinks that if he can get the elected officials in key states to refuse to certify him as the winner, Republican legislatures will send his delegates to the electoral college instead of Biden’s. He’s trying to steal the election and get a second term as president.”

“He’s the president of my heart,” mused Firesong, who was goopy-eyed and not really paying attention to the conversation.

“Trump is?” Elspeth asked, her voice a mixture of incredulity and horror.

Firesong mentally ran through what they had just been discussing. “What? No! Ew. Silverfox is. He’s the most wonderful person I’ve ever met.”

“Did you call your elected officials?” Elspeth asked suspiciously.

“Yes,” Firesong answered waspily.

“And told them you were in love with Silverfox?” Darkwind teased.

Firesong glared at him. “No, I told them I wanted them to acknowledge Biden as president-elect. _And_ I called the GSA and told them to release the transition funds, Cousin.” This last bit was added when he saw Elspeth open her mouth to ask just that. She closed it again.

“It’s just that he’s trying to steal our democracy,” Elspeth said.

“Silverfox has stolen my heart,” Firesong insisted. They hadn’t been a couple for that long. Surely they remembered the power of new love?

The day dragged on, and Firesong was out the door like a dart as soon as he was off the clock. He had a date with Silverfox that evening. Of course, there was a pandemic, so they wouldn’t be going anywhere other than Silverfox’s apartment, but Firesong was happy just being with his new beau.

He went home, got ready, and headed over to the address that Silverfox had given him. It was well organized – much more so than Firesong’s own place – and seemed to have been arranged in order to make a person feel welcome. They had dinner and then settled down on the couch together. Silverfox draped his arm over Firesong’s shoulder, and Firesong thrilled at his touch.

“Can I get your advice about something?” Silverfox asked, breaking the silence.

“What is it?”

“It’s about Rudy Giuliani.”

“What.”

“He wants to be my customer.”

“Um…”

“No, not at Fantasy Island. I run a salon on the side to bring in some extra cash. He wants me to do his hair and makeup for an upcoming press conference.”

“So what did you want to ask me?”

“Well, should I do it?”

Firesong tilted his head so that he could see Silverfox’s face. There was clear worry written on it. “Why are you asking me?”

“You’re a hero,” Silverfox said immediately. “You saved all those people from that gas explosion. I’ve never done anything like that. I just do makeovers and sell people sex toys.”

“When I’m doing a big landscaping job,” Firesong answered, teasing out his thoughts, “It’s important to use the right type of sod. If the sod we use doesn’t match the existing grass, there’s an incongruity. Sometimes it’s not noticeable right away, but it’s always there. That’s where my real specialty is – I’m adept at spotting the incongruities in the land. I’ve fixed a lot of blotched landscaping jobs that way. The saving people’s life thing, well, that was just a case of me being in the right place at the right time. I never thought that it would be _me_ doing something like that.”

Silverfox thought about what he said. “And now I’m in that position. I don’t usually turn down a customer, but if I do his hair and make-up, I’m aiding Trump’s attempt to subvert our democracy. So I should turn down the offer.”

A sly smile flitted across Firesong’s face. “Well, maybe not…”

\---

A few days later, they got together again to watch the press conference. It wasn’t a live broadcast; Firesong had dutifully TIVOed it and, as promised, hadn’t checked his Twitter until Silverfox returned from D.C. so they could watch it together. Silverfox was nervous. Firesong was feeling devilish. He was confident in Silverfox’s work, as Silverfox had promised that he’d given the job his all.

On the screen, Rudy Giuliani began speaking, and the press conference was on. For a while, nothing out of the ordinary happened. Giuliani ranted and raved. He sprouted conspiracy theories and did an impersonation from the movie My Cousin Vinny. Then, as the heat poured down on Giuliani, his hair dye began to drip down his face. Quite soon, Giuliani had two streaks going down his face, one on each side. His balding forehead also looked splotchy. On the couch, Firesong and Silverfox roared with laughter.

“You did a magnificent job,” Firesong told Silverfox after the press conference ended. He leaned in close and kissed his love, and then they found their own scene from My Cousin Vinny to reenact. 


End file.
